Grab hold of something sturdy, you marvellous people. “Oh, no, it isn’t… is it?”
Oh yes, it bloody well is. FEAST NOW UPON YOUR HORRORSCOPES!
Aries: Those of Ariesian nature are always drawn to walk the path less chosen. To frequent the spaces spurned by others. To loiter in the backwaters and alleyways of the soul, quietly observing, considering their schemes. Waiting. Watching. Hanging around really rather a bit too long, if we’re honest. Taking photographs. Wanking, half the time. Aries are the perverts of the zodiac, this is what we’re saying.
Taurus: You will be approached on the street by a young cockney urchin, attempting to sell you broccoli. The broccoli doesn’t seem anything special at first glance, but you are taken by the urchin’s pleading demeanour and obvious rickets, so you purchase a punnet. Upon cooking it, HEAVENS BE PRAISED! This is the ENCHANTED BROCCOLI of BETHNAL GREEN! It is talked about in pubs from Hackney lo, unto Daltson! As you bear it aloft to examine its delicate fronds in the sunlight, you brace yourself for its majesty and open your expectant eyes… It does nothing.
Gemini: You’ve been having the dream again. The one where you go on Dragon’s Den and are trying to sell them something, then you realise that you’re entirely naked. Worse yet, you’re starting to find Deborah Meaden’s prurient gaze arousing and it’s really interrupting your presentation. Three of the Dragons immediately reject your proposal for a kind of solar-powered almond, but despite this, Duncan Bannatyne says he’s in, for a 50% cut of your company, on the provision that you give him a ruddy good seeing to with a fist full of almonds.
Cancer: The moons of Jupiter are in ascendency this month, reaching their zenith on… wait… that’s no MOON! That’s the DEATHSTAR! You meet a tall, dark Ewok. If you do go to bed with anybody, check they’re not your sister. Your power animal is: Salacious B Crumb.
Leo: Beware gypsies on jet-skis. At first it’s all whooshing, splashing and lucky heather, then later, it’s capsizing and curses and doing a magical wee in your begonias after midnight. Keep ‘em peeled.
Virgo: Your village is a sleepy place, with little to talk of, most days. Until TODAY! Now, I know, after an intro like that, you’re just sat there gagging to know what’s going to happen! I know, right?! But no. The stars ain’t tellin’. Nuh-uh. OK, look, between you and me, I think the stars are being dicks, so all I’m going to say is that the big thing rhymes with… um… no, I mean, it begins with ‘bo’. No, that’s not going to work. Look, just keep an eye out for ‘Bovril’. The secret is Bovril. You didn’t hear that from me. And if you don’t like being smeared with Bovril and humped by an ape, stay home. I’ve said too much.
Libra: Self-indulgently, you join the recent crazy for onesies. After zipping yourself up in the soft, warm snugness and reflecting on how looking like a tool is a small price to play for such luxury, you realise… nobody can see you! Can it be? Yes! You were sold the famous Chameleon Onesie of Zanthar! Imbued with a magical ability to mimic the colours in its surroundings, it is said this garment was made by an ancient assassin and used to depose kings in precise, surgical hits. You mostly wear it while drinking lager and watching Sex in the City.
Scorpio: This week will see you accidentally wandering into London’s first Nude Gregg’s. The shop is largely as you’d imagine - staffed by a mixture of rotund, jovial folks with less than a full deck of GCSEs and horrifyingly gorgeous Polish supermodels working to send money home. The only difference here is that to get served, you have to be entirely nude. All in all, the experience is not unpleasant, but you feel they could consider handing out bibs for the gents - getting crumbs in your chest-hair is no laughing matter.
Sagittarius: A hum-drum sequence of days has left you listless and dulled by life’s tedium. You must re-invigorate yourself! The stars present you with four options: 1) Learn the sitar. 2) Electronic nipple-torture. 3) Move to Kent. 4) Wolf buggery. There are no further options. CHOOSE NOW.
Capricorn: It is a well known fact that when you give love and respect to a Capricorn, they return it in kind. What is less well known is that if you give turnips and Chinese burns to a Capricorn, they wait until you’re out of town for the weekend, then brutally pleasure your grandma.
Aquarius: It’s likely that imminently, you’ll be looking for the services of a priest, owing to the somewhat truculent demons recently discovered in your underwear. This is what you get for cracking one off while consulting the ouija board. While sexting with the deceased may seem like a no-risk way to get some undead kinky jollies, you’re going to be forced to handle the consequences, now that your balls are haunted.
Pisces: Lately, it has been exceedingly tempting to take up the offer of the pixie king and fly away in his magic carriage to the land of Cheam to dine upon marzipan, drink surprising wines and watch the goblins play in the forest. He sends his minions to your bedside at night to sing gentle songs of promise and seduction, leaving you to awaken with the name ‘Cheam’ on your lips each day. Perhaps, one day, you will finally accept this offer, never to be seen again. Mmmm. Cheam.
Elucidated, titillated and spiritually sated? Fine and good!
Then get out there, my beauties! Time to grab life by the suspenders and give them a twang!